"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
