you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
