During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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