Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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