i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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