Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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