I showed him my bush... on skype.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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