i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
