i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
