got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
