When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Randomize
