I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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