Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
