you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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