I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Randomize
