he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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