Don't make out with my wife yet
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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