I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
