your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
