allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
