I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
