Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We need a shit load of segways right now
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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