just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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