He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
