im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize
