I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
