Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
