I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
