Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
