We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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