I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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