thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
