The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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