farters have to be the big spoon...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
