Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
