I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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