I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
