Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
