making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
We are all done wearing pants today
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
