Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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