I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
