I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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