So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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