His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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