can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
