My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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