i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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