Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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