not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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