There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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