the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
