I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
