either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
