She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
