remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
