the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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